Hello

And here I am again. Left to my own thoughts. Trying to find a useful way to occupy time with my resourcefulness. Chickens and ducks are fed, daughter is holidaying, dogs are still sleeping. This idle time bears a heavy silence. I'm tonguing where I bit my lip earlier and staring out the window into this quiet neighborhood. Sometimes quiet is violent*. There is a strong sense of apathy for this particular Christmas. Thanks to the THC that resides in an M&M cookie and the smoke from my piece, I am able to project the needed face to glide through all of the human interaction. Sorrow and anguish burn like no other acidity in my stomach. The distinct corrosive sensation when the air from my stomach comes back up through my throat and burns it's way back down. This distracts me from the futon. The couch side table, with it's absence of electronics. The abundance of room under my bed. The emptiness in the shed. The melting snow in the vacant parking spot. The cold on my skin. I should have known. When I allow myself to the point of desperation, it's a lost cause. A cause that so commonly results in this manner. This is what happens when you give your heart away. I keep forgetting. Love is not real. It doesn't exist in nature. Animals have the drive to protect and support a mate for survival. Companionship is preference. Humanized; it's love. We aren't surviving. We are aimlessly existing. I attempt to reassure myself that it's only this country in all it's ungratefulness. 'There's always something bigger and better out there' or, 'If it breaks, just buy a new one!' The never ending consumption. No genuine value for anyone or anything. Only a unhealthy obsession with superiority. My heart and soul reside in nature; where the sounds, smells,and constant flow of healthy energy is from it's resilient survival and evolution on this planet. I am at one in nature, where I am defined by my physical strength to fight, and my ingenuity for survival. Not defined by my paper currency, material objects and a knowledge of our own embarrassingly slow progression through evolution. Here I am forced to compete with the standards of feminine appeal for men, adopt an ignorant language, etiquette and lifestyle. Laboring for currency to adhered to imaginary lines owned by people. Preach meaningless things to my offspring so that they can follow in line. I feel my aimless existence very heavily. This is why I keep a plethora of animal companionship. It soothes my soul to be able to understand such a sacred language. A calming presence I was raised by. The only interaction that ever felt normal. They taught me to be a real Homo Sapien. I just happened to be trapped in the middle of a populated coastal city. *car radio, twenty one pilots